I wish ...

Do you ever smell a certain smell, hear a certain song, or see something that just takes you back to a specific moment in time, so intensely and so acutely that it's almost as if you were there?

I wasn't in Seattle last year for fall because I was at Whitman. Now I am ... and I'm wishing. Remembering. I miss high school. I never thought I'd say that, but I do. I miss my soccer team. Running in the pouring rain, bright orange jerseys flying around, our unstoppable trio on defense ... winning the championship ... feeling like I was good at something, unstoppable. Running around Greenlake in the cold, rainy nights. Running the Jingle Bell Dash in December, in freezing weather. Then school. The Christmas spirit. Deck the Dome. Pacific Place. Hallelujah. I miss it. I miss it all. I was ok back then. What happened to me? Why? Sometimes I wish ... I wish I could go back there. To those moments. I miss those moments. Everything was good back then.

My life ...

*sigh*

Well an update. I've been in Scotland for the past week. I'm taking a quarter off from school (for various reasons) and my family's in Scotland for a year, so I'm here for a week visiting.

It's been an ... interesting week. Fun, yes, but also tiring, painful, and so very frustrating. I have an 'almost' stress fracture in my foot. In medical terms, it's a stress reaction, which means it's everything leading up to a fracture, but not fractured yet -- irritation, swelling, inflammation, etc. Lucky I stopped doing everything when I did.

This week has been so frustrating -- I'm in Scotland. Therefore I should be able to walk. A lot. And I haven't been able to because of my damn foot. So it's been hard. Not to mention the University of Edinburgh has a freakin FANTASTIC weightroom. And I mean FANTASTIC. 5+ platforms and squat racks, eleiko bumpers, competition bars, and a female competition bar. I have NEVER seen a 15 kg competition bar in a weightroom, not even in the Syracuse Varsity weightroom. It pretty much made me cry every time I walked in there because I couldn't use it. I did my pullups, dips, pressing, some rowing (fantastic room for rowing/crossfit style workouts) etc. I was seriously in love with this place. Lifting aside, this fitness center is amazing -- cardio room, weight machine room, lifting room, climbing wall, "circuit" room (I like to call it the CrossFit room because they have a track and pull up bars etc) ... it's amazing.

I'm frustrated with life. My foot's messed up. I'm not going to the American Open. I'm probably not going to Junior Nationals. I'm definitely not going to Junior Worlds. All my goals for the year, out the door. Am I ever going to get better? (see other post).

That aside, I'm going to start a diet detox. Well more like a 'get back on top if it' period. I haven't really been eating well (or enough) for the past month because of all the stuff that's been going on. Mostly paleo, but I've allowed chocolate to sneak back into my daily food, which isn't terrible in itself, but not a good habit to get into. I also think I'm starting to become allergic to dairy ... so I'm also gonna try to cut out dairy and see how I feel.

So the next month-ish (until Thanksgiving):
*no dairy
*NO chocolate
*at least 3 normal meals -- breakfast, lunch, dinner

See how it goes in a month. Hopefully my foot will be better by then and I can at least start squatting and deadlifting again. *sigh.*

What's good?

What is good in my life right now? Like seriously?
The past year has been injury after injury after injury for me. It's wearing on me. Too much.
My back is still messed up.
Last night the person I love most in the world broke my heart.
And now my foot is in a boot; for no reason, I might have a stress fracture.
What else? Seriously? What else?
All I want is to be a good lifter.
To be happy with the person I love. To lift.
Lifting. That's all I want. It feels like my dreams are slowly slipping away. I have not accomplished a single goal this year I had in mind. Slowly slipping away ...

Why? Why can't I just move on? Just be healthy? Just be ok? I want to be good. Why is this all happening?

/end rant. But not really.

No water today, which is good. But I hate the world. My foot is messed up. Great.

Snatch
35/1
35/1
35/1

Clean
45/3
45/3
55/2
60/1
65/1
65/1
65/1
65/1
65/1

FS
50/3
60/3
72.5/3
72.5/3
72.5/3
72.5/3
72.5/3

DL
70/3
80/3
87.5/3
87.5/3
87.5/3

Press
20/5
22.5/10
22.5/10


hypers: 3x12, 16 kg

bent over rows: 3x10, 22.5 kg

Mother Nature Blows

Well that and the city/location of our gym.





Needless to say my workout sucked today. It was hard to concentrate with the given circumstances. Cleans were sucky, like REALLY sucky, not even worth writing down. FS were ok. Didn't DL bc my back was hurting. Grrr.

Cleans are feeling better. That's good.

Snatch work: 15 lb plates, sets of 3 (these are stuck here)

FS
20/5
20/10
55/10
55/10
55/10

Cleans
45/3
50/2
50/2
50/2
50/2
50/2
50/2

DL
70/3
70/3
70/3

Press
20/10
20/10

hypers: 3x20
pushups: 3x5 (first time I've done these in a LONG time)

Cleans are moving along more than snatches. Think I'm gonna try some light jerks this weekend.

Happy One Year, my love

Today is a special day -- me and Brian's one year! Granted it's not your typical one year ... it happened over email, but it was that email that changed the rest of the year (and our lives) forever.

Last year, we 'met' on Aug 2, 2008, via email (thanks to Sarena!!:). Over the next few days, then a break, and then the subsequent months, we chatted via email. We slowly began to realize how alike we were, how we've had similar problems, and how it was just so amazingly easy to talk to one another. When we found out we both went on Search/Kairos retreats, that was the catalyzing agent in an enormous trust bond. After that, we shared things with each other neither one of us had told (almost) anyone before. After that email, Brian proceeded to woo me via email, and I was COMPLETELY oblivious. Going back through those emails, I can see how obvious he was being! I'm sorry, honey, it went over my head!

Then finally, on October 6, he sent the one email that changed everything. I remember sitting in my dorm room at around 9 pm at Whitman, getting this email, and just crying. Crying because deep down, I knew it had been coming, crying because it was time for me to let go of someone else, and crying because it was him saying these things.

Here is part of his email he sent:

Hey, Rachel, I’ve been meaning to write this e-mail for a while to you and I think now is the time. I don’t know how to come out because there’s so much I want to say. I’ll be blunt, as usual: I like you a lot, and not just in the Platonic sense of the word. This is the first time I’ve ever felt so strongly about someone. I want to be with you very much. We are a great pair.

I have never connected to someone as much as I have with you. I love getting to know you, love knowing you as much as I do already, and look forward to getting to know you better. I think this is going to be the best Christmas break I’ve ever had.

I’ve never felt this way so strongly towards anyone before. I told myself I would never feel so head over heels for someone but that’s exactly how I feel right now. I am trying to be=2 0as rational as I can be.
I want to hold your hand, snuggle with you and watch movies, lift together, run together, just be together.


Love,
Brian

PS – by the way, that picture of you holding the toad in Hawaii is my favorite. You look gorgeous.

After that, I cried, and had to think about what to say. Instead of writing right away, I used good ole facebook and changed my profile picture to that one that was his favorite.



In the past year, we have been through hell and high water together, from afar. Brian has been by my side (not always physically) every step of the way, through the good, the bad, school, lifting, everything. Never could I have EVER imagined that I would meet my future husband in such an unusual way. Because, yes, this is unusual! We had all of our firsts from afar ... and as hard and as painful (because it is SO painful) this distance is, Brian, I would never, ever EVER give you up for the entire world. Ever.

I love you, honey, mi amor, my baby. Happy anniversary.